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She was becoming herself and daily casting aside that fictitious self which we assume like a garment with which to appear before the world.
Over the course of my life, I think I have tried to fit into about 100 boxes. That’s more than 3 boxes a year. Exhausting! I’ve been in the vegetarian box, where no meat was allowed to enter my body for about five years, until one day my daughter and I were driving home from school and she turned to me and said, “I want a burger.” I think we ate two each that day.
Then, I boxed myself in as a raw foodist, which lasted about 3 months after my digestion went to hell and back.
I’ve been in the country club box. I didn’t last long in that one. A girl can only play so much tennis and drink so many martinis.
I’ve lived in the sommelier box thinking I had to buy the most expensive bottles and drink every night to fit in. That was not good for my waistline or my wallet.
I’ve been in the yoga and meditation box, swearing off gyms and any non-spiritual movement (whatever that means).
This is embarrassing to admit, but I remember telling my friend Julie when I first moved to Durango, “I’m afraid that I might end up wearing Patagonia everyday and actually like it.” Yep, I had created a style box for myself. (This has NOT happened yet. My soul still loves style:).
I think you can see that I’ve attempted to fit into many boxes. Underneath it all, was my need to control my external world to feel safe. Ultimately, it left me feeling like a prisoner. Go figure!
"We say we want freedom, but then we trap ourselves with labels, roles and self-made boxes"
When you box yourself in it leaves very little room for movement.
Last week, one of my School of Self-image students asked me, “I feel torn between my desire for luxury and simplicity.” This is what boxes do. They tear us apart. They make us choose between this and that. They are very black and white.
I asked her, “Why do you think you have to choose? Why can’t you have both?”
With those two questions, I tore her box apart leaving her room for possibility and range. Shall I even say, freedom?
The most elegant woman honors the different seasons of her life and understands that her desires and needs change, sometimes within a moment. For this reason, she flows with her life and doesn’t box herself in. Because she’s a woman, she has made peace with her complexity. One day she may desire solitude and the next a grand party. She stays in touch with each moment, asking herself, “What would you like right now, darling?”
I’ve learned the hard way that I do much better without boxes or labels, just allowing myself to follow what feels good and right in that moment, to flow, to move with life, to live out the questions instead of trying to control them.
That’s sensual, feminine, and a much more elegant way to live.
This is why I’m comfortable hanging with my cousins in the deep south sipping sweet tea or having high tea at the Ritz in Paris.
I can be floating down a river in a raft one day or rolling down the street in a Rolls the next.
I can be sleeping in a tent on a rock one weekend or sleeping in a Parisian apartment the next.
I can be in yoga on Monday and pumping iron on Tuesday.
I can be munching down on a juicy hamburger at lunch and taking a wheatgrass shot at dinner.
I can sip wine one night and Perrier the next.
I can be wearing fleece sitting by a fire or in a beautiful dress in a swanky lounge.
I can be lazy and lounge on a Sunday and hustle and take massive action on Monday.
A well-lived life will not exist in living in boxes. That’s imprisonment.
The best-lived lives are a bit messy, eclectic, passionate, and full of diversity.
So, here’s a question for you: what box are you trying to fit in that feels constrictive?
Personally, I refuse to live in a box ever again.
This is how you become iconic!
What about you? Are you currently trying to live in a box that no longer fits?
Please share in the comments below.
xoxo,
Tonya
Self-Image Makeover
Live Your Life With Style, Flare, and Elegance
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Thank you Tonya!
Think we do live in boxes - often looking at the next box in a bid to 'freedom' (fake/ constructed) to define us externally.. And then feel guilty when we step outside our self-imposed box. E.g. I went for a steak tonight after a great day at work, had a couple of wines and spent a lot more money treating family than I intended - then spent a while regretting as I was on my 'Christmas diet'. So a timely post that enabled me to reconsider moment and remember I chose to do that because I... enjoyed it! Next! Love your posts xx
Oh, the Christmas diet. I went on that one for many years, and failed miserably each time. Enjoy your holidays Lazarus!
Love this blog post. Many of my friends think I am a living contradiction and are perplexed by how I live my life. For me, that is a great thing 🙂 I am definitely one who does not fit into any boxes nor do I want to fit into those boxes defined by the collective society. As my mother once told me, I definitely live my life the way I want.
Thanks for your honesty. I really enjoy reading your blog.
Desiree
I am a walking contradiction too Desiree! Making peace with that has been liberating. So glad you're a part of the community!
Great blog post! It helped me understand that a lot of my frustrations are based on trying to put myself into one box! Thanks for helping me to understand that it's ok to change and be many different people at any given time.
Mary, it's frustrating indeed! Women were not built to fit into boxes. We are feminine creatures that crave flow and ease. Boxes cannot give us that (unless we enjoy the box we're in, and then I say, stick with it until you don't). Sending you love!
I love this post! I'm such a black and white thinker in the way I view myself and other people. I didn't realize how much I limit my life experiences until recently. I'm slowly learning how to let this go and I definitely need a daily reminder not to do this to myself. A truly inspiring post Tonya!
Thank you Natasha, and I do understand. Black and white were the shades of my life for many years. Ultimately, it bored me to tears, but it's taken a lot of work to let it go. Keep noticing and being fascinated by how your mind works! xoxo
This is so timely! I was just speaking with someone the other day about how I'll build (and rebuild or tear down as I wish) my own darn box. I love this. Thank you, Tonya, for another lovely post!
Love it Lynn! That is what I call a self-possessed woman!
"Don't fence me in!" is the line I have always lived by, but even that has its challenges. In the end, it is liberating.
Hi Natalie, I think either way, we are challenge. Yet, that's another box I let go of: seeing challenges as bad. They are how we grow, become stronger and ultimately free. Love your line, "Don't fence me in!" xoxo
I think I'm going to take a break from all this self control - I'm trying to fit in the vegetarian and fit chic box. Working out 5 times a week and not eating meat. I'm in my 4th week and it's getting exhausting. I like this article because you talk about trying new things and not getting stuck in one area. We shouldn't be judged because we don't fit into a neat category - messy is better.
I get it Sonique. I do believe the life is a big experiment, and the more you experiment, the more you learn about yourself. The problem with my vegetarian days was that at first, I liked it, but then I didn't (and neither did my body), but because I had taken on that identity, I felt compelled to stick with it. Now, somedays, I don't eat meat and sometimes I do. I let go of all the rules I had for myself that didn't feel like love and support me. However, I do believe that if you're doing something that works for you, then, by all means, enjoy it. And, then when it doesn't, let it go. Thanks for stopping by!
Wonderful thoughts, Tonya. I have found that I have the most fun, and feel the most alive when I live out these contrasts. I can be attending state meetings and giving talks during the week, then hanging in my jeans with my sisters at our mountain cabin, or hanging there alone with my books, music and art supplies on the weekend. My favorite contrast was several years ago when my husband and I and some others spent a week at the Plaza Hotel in New York the week before Christmas, shopping Fifth Avenue, dining at The Tavern on the Green, and attending theatre events. Then came home to Pennsylvania in time to attend the Amish wedding of one of our employees and the reception which was held in an auction barn!!! What fun!!! I was raised Catholic, had an Orthodox Christian mom, married a Protestant, and found a wonderful Spiritualist Church. I love and am comfortable in all of them. Spread your wings and gather in a rich life!
Love this Tonya Leigh. Thank you for your wise words this year.
Thank you for a very inspiring post. For me, the box has been about career. I grew up believing that having a great job is an integral part of being fulfilled as a human being--Puritan work ethic and all that. The only problem is, I've never really liked "the job." That's not to say I'm lazy, but I'd much rather be writing novels, which is a whole different kind of "work" that doesn't bring the same obvious reward (financial, image, etc.) in this society. I work to support my family and am trying so hard to finish my Masters in Creative Writing and move into a new kind of "work life." So the box I'm stepping out of is the job box. I'm no longer putting any emotional value on what I due from 9-5. Instead, I'm shifting my sense of fulfillment to living a creative life....and crossing my fingers that it will ultimately pay the bills.
I've been trapped in so many boxes that it is crazy-inducing just to admit it. Positively delighted to step out of them and see what unfolds.
This is where I am focusing on in the month november and december. I was torn apart by luxury and simplicity. Slowly I am finding the balance. Mostly when I live simple it feels the most luxurious. But there are also other boxes where I put myself in, but not for long, because I can't be caged 😉
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