Why Does Self Love Matter?

Blog-Self-Love

“To love one’s self is the beginning
of a lifelong romance.”
-Oscar Wilde

Have you ever been in love?

If you have, you know that those first few months are exhilarating — full of passion, romance, attentiveness, excitement, desire.

Suddenly, the world that felt very lonely and gloomy suddenly feels warm and light.

When the feeling of love washes over you, a chemical cocktail is released in your brain that creates euphoria and pleasure that has you doing things that are unlike the person you were before you were hit with the “love potion.” Things like:

  • Waking up early and turning on beautiful music
  • Getting back into the gym
  • Taking the time to put on a fabulous outfit and a spritz of perfume
  • Not thinking about food 24-7
  • Putting a little pep in that step
  • Waiting by the phone in anticipation
  • Smiling at strangers
  • Dancing around your living room

All the resentment, judgement, bitterness, and doom and gloom seems to melt away, and there you are: wonderfully and fabulously in love.

In the beginning, you treat the the relationship like a porcelain doll with care and attention.

When it comes to the relationship, people report that during the first stage of falling in love…

…there are few harsh words, if any.
…you are present, listening attentively desiring to discover more.
…you keep promises to the other person.
…you don’t see flaws, only the beauty.
…you show up and give the relationship your full attention.

Now, imagine for a moment how you treat yourself.

Far too many women are walking around in their precious lives behaving more like their own worst enemy than their biggest cheerleader. Being their own lover? Not even close.

They criticize their every move.
They beat themselves up for their so-called mistakes.
They resent their past and dread their future.
They treat their bodies like they’re disposable.
They eat to avoid feeling their lives.
They lock themselves in their homes out of shame.

The result is that women hate being with themselves, so they find distractions so that they don’t have to face the war they’ve waged on themselves. Turning to food, shopping, work, TV, alcohol or drugs provides temporarily relief at the mercy of long term fulfillment.

To add to the torture, they beat themselves up for beating themselves up.

All of this. Every. Single. Bit. Is the antithesis of love.

So, let me ask you:

Do you want to attract love into your life?
Do you want to live with more abundance?
Do you desire be happy and healthy?
Do you want a fulfilling career?
Do you want to wake up filled with passion for your precious life?
Do you desire to walk down the street with confidence and joie de vivre?

Here’s what you must know: everything you want (and I mean everything) can only be found in the place of love.

Now, imagine for a moment if you treated yourself the way you would treat a new lover.

In a culture where women are constantly loathing their bodies, it’s not surprising that we also suffer from high rates of obesity. We hate our thighs, our arms, our stomachs. I recently had a client who absolutely loathed her toes. Her toes!

However, not all women show physical signs of being overweight. However, the regimens and deprivation they put themselves through definitely create a heaviness…within their own souls.

How do we expect to create healthy bodies and thrilling lives in such a hostile environment?

It’s impossible.

When it comes to weight, if you lose it, it will most likely return because the internal battle will always place you at the end of your own trigger.

So, in order to have a vibrant body and passionate life and be the most amazing you, you must commit to loving thyself.

I don’t care if your ass is the size of Texas, love thy ass and love it with all of thy heart.

I don’t care if you just screamed at your kids and fell into a puddle of tears, treat yourself with compassion and figure out what you need.

I don’t care if you have $100,000 in debt, forgive and create a plan for financial freedom.

It’s time that you commit to being your own lover.

Lovers rarely criticize, make nasty judgments or crude comments about each other. Instead, there is a respect, love and connection that brings two people together to experience joy and happiness.

Think about this: Would you expect a child to flourish in a home where he is constantly being criticized and told that he is stupid, worthless, and hopeless? Of course not. But each time you inwardly scold yourself, you are creating the same toxic environment that keeps your fabulous self from flourishing.

I beg you. PLEASE STOP.

So, why does self love matter?

Because…

Nothing you desire results from self-hatred;
everything you want resides in cultivating self-love. {tweet it}

Once you begin to deeply love yourself, an amazing transformation begins to happen.

You no longer…

…abandon yourself by diving into a bowl of cereal.

…shop your way into massive debt because you’re trying to prove your worth.

…put up with the guy who treats you like you’re worthless.

…work insane hours because you need to prove that you’re deserving.

…let yourself down, time after time, by saying you want one thing and then not showing up for yourself.

…allow people to run all over you.

Instead, you…

…are so connected to your body, your needs, and your life.
…begin to love your body “as is,” and as a result you find yourself reaching for an apple over a doughnut or choosing to take a walk over  watching back to back episodes of House of Cards.
…tell your boss that you’re not staying late (for the 3rd time this week).
…show up for what you’ve decided is important.
…love deeply and have fierce boundaries.
…show up for your life with passion and joie de vivre.

How do I know all of this?

I was the poster child for self-hatred. I spent years trying to beat myself into shape. I sabotaged myself every single day. I denied myself of the things that were truly nourishing. I let myself down by making promises and not keeping them.

It was a miserable existence.

The only person that could change it was me, and it started with a fierce commitment to love myself.

I’ll be the first to admit: learning to love yourself when you’ve practice hating yourself for decades is not easy, especially when you’re so disconnected from yourself that you cannot even feel your feelings.

However, it begins with a decision followed by constant awareness and courage.

If you must march around the walls of your mind day and night to detect the self-sabotaging dialogue, do it.

Our thoughts are the root of our troubles, not our thighs, or our arms, or any external circumstance. It’s our own personal judgments that we make about them. And guess what? Thoughts can be changed quicker than the circumference of your backside or the current value of your IRA, so work on your thoughts first, and the rest will slowly and effortlessly begin to conform to your new thinking.

Then, there are other fun and romantic steps you can take to become your own lover (because this self-love thing is an active affair):

Dress as if you have a hot date (because you ARE the hot date)
Listen to beautiful music
Look for something to love every single day (the sunset, your coffee, your UPS man)
Write yourself love letters
Send yourself flowers
Stay awake and present with yourself
Pay attention to your feelings
Say no without explanation
Show up when you say you’re going to do something for yourself

When a woman deeply loves herself, there is nothing she can’t do, overcome or create.

When you become your own lover, you’ll never feel alone, bored or abandoned.

Instead, there you’ll be: fabulously and gloriously glowing like a woman in love (because you are!).

Not to mention, life is so much more fun when you’re in love!

Now, please share with me in the comments:  how do you plan to be your own lover this week?

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24 Responses to Why Does Self Love Matter?

  1. Psychologists emphasize the efficacy of positive reinforcement, compared to negative reinforcement. This can be hard with pets or kids–you need them to do something positive so you can praise it. But with ourselves, WE can decide to make a positive move. Even something simple. WE can start the virtuous circle of positivity.

    • Amazing post…….I could almost swear you are in Nashville creeping around I my head! You nailed some issues I am struggling with in this new season of my life. Thank you so much for an honest, straight forward talk on learning to love myself again. I am tired of the war within. So happy to have found your blog.

      • Hi Pam! You busted me ;).

        The war is exhausting, right?

        And, if you create war, you can also create peace.

        It’s a daily practice, but you can absolutely creating a beautiful, loving relationship with yourself, and it will change EVERYTHING!

    • Yes, and when you think about it, it is always us creating the positive or negative reinforcement based off the thoughts in OUR head, and that’s great news. We can learn to manage our minds to create loving, beautiful environments that we’ll flourish in.

      Thanks so much for your comment! Always love seeing you here!

      xoxo

  2. You sure get around Miss Tonya, I could swear you are in Dublin, Ireland creeping around my head too. I was tickled to see your opening Oscar Wilde quote. On my lunch break earlier I walked past his statue in our beautiful Merrion Square and I was thinking of a line he wrote “The strength of women comes from the fact that psychology cannot explain us. Men can be analyzed, women…merely adored”. So maybe a little less self analysis and a little more self adoration this weekend and a glass of champagne or two. Love your blog darlin’ it saves me sometimes xx

    • Wow…from Nashville to Dublin. You’d think I have a travel machine or private jet ;).

      Love that OW quote you shared. It’s so true…LOL!

      Thank you for being a part of the community!

      Cheers!

  3. You always seem to write exactly what I need to hear! Thank you for such a perfect post. I can’t tell you how many times I return to your site to re-read posts that I need to remind myself how I long to be. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and insight!

    Cheers!

    • I’m in your head Talia!!!!

      Please come back again and again for as long as you need.

      Have a beautiful weekend!

      xoxo

  4. Bonjour Tonya. I felt the urge to say thank you for sharing so much. It’s a treat to connect at this level with you. Wish you lots of loving energy. Merci at a bientot. Jennifer

    • Wow. Perfectly timed blog for me. I very much appreciate it and will be re-reading it as needed! I love your srticulation of this “condition “. Thank you.

  5. I love this. I am tracking the way I speak to myself and it is a bit depressing because I did not realize how negative I am! This week I will not only take my thoughts captive, but I am going to write them down in love letters to myself!

    Xoxo

  6. I love your attitude and spirit. Thank you so much for your positive attitude. Its just a refreshing thought know that you can positive people in your life. I really need this now in my life.

  7. Hi Tonya!

    I found your blog and I have fallen head over heels in love with it. For what seems like a very very long time, I’ve been trying to be this strong, unstoppable grinder that wakes up at the crack of dawn. But this was an impossible task and I just ended up hating myself for not being able to constantly push myself. However, when I chanced upon your blog, I woke up (just not at some un-Godly hour!) Your feminine, elegant and truly beautiful ideas have inspired me so much. And as I’ve just hit adulthood, I can now say I’m slowly morphing into the woman I want to be.

    Love, Izzy x

    • Yes, totally agree here. Your feelings actually create your reality, so do WHATEVER it takes to be really happy now. I like your advice of being your own lover. I like that. Good advice.

  8. Tonya, you are a blessing darling…no matter how dull my day may be i know you have something bright to share and make it all beauiful. you are the best

    grosses bises,

    Sedi

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