Are You a Princess or Queen?


Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness.
― Oprah Winfrey

Growing up, I dreamed of being a Princess. It’s cute when you’re a kid, but not when you’re a grown woman.

Yet, my princess mentality stayed with me — after graduating from college, marriage, and even after becoming a mom.

Just because you age in years doesn’t necessarily mean you mature.

Learning to be the Queen of my life has been hard work. I’ve had to let go of reactivity and victimhood. It must stay on alert for  my “princess energy” and see how it was holds me back.

Even now, I can go into being a princess in a moment — that part of me that complains, whines, wants everyone to like me, needs permission.  Regardless of what women portray on social media or elsewhere, I think there’s an inner princess in all of us. However,  I know that if I stay in this place, I will create so much drama and chaos in my life that I make the Kardashians seem amateur.

So, I take off the tiara and put on the crown, over and over again.

Do you know which you embody — Queen or Princess? (tweet it)

Let’s take a look at the difference.

Princess Energy

Save me. The damsel in distress wants Prince Charming to come along and sweep her off her feet feet. She wants to be rescued — from her finances, health, career, the world.

Grant me permission. The Princess needs permission before she does what she wants. And, if she doesn’t get it, she usually just sits around and blames others.

Validate me. Nothing makes a Princess smile more than others telling her how amazing she is. She needs her husband to tell her that she’s beautiful, her family to put her on a pedestal and her friends to celebrate her every move. She gets giddy from external validation; her world turns dark without it.

It’s all about me. She’s not concerned with how events affect others. For a princess, the world revolves around her.

There’s Not Enough. The Princess lives with a fear of her well running dry. She sees life through competition and comparison. Is she prettier/more successful/smarter/better than me is how she ranks herself among a scarce world.

Lacks Appreciation and Gratitude.  The Princess can appear spoiled, because she tends to focus on what she doesn’t have versus all that she’s been blessed with.

I don’t want to look bad.  Because the Princess adores to be adored, she will avoid (at all costs) looking bad.  This holds her back on so many levels.  She doesn’t take risks.  She avoids any situation that could expand her growth but might involve failure.

Queen Energy

I’m the Creator of my Experience. Queen energy proclaims that you are in charge of your life, and that your main role is to master yourself and create a kingdom that you’re proud of.

I know who I am. Unlike the Princess, who’s always looking outside of her, the Queen looks within and knows who she is and what she values. These are the building blocks to her world.

How may I help? The Queen understands that a life built on service and offering value is the key to a well-lived life. And, because she doesn’t live in lack, she’s not catty or competitive. She wants to see all thrive.

I don’t need your permission. A Queen doesn’t ask others if it’s okay. She doesn’t wait for the green light. She grants herself the permission to do what she wants.

Elegance. A Queen knows that true elegance starts from within. It’s not about her wardrobe or her heritage; it’s about how she feels internally. And, that feeling radiates as powerful and humble.

I’m not always available.  A Queen manages her energy wisely.  And, while she loves others, she knows she needs her own space and cannot be everything to everyone.

I’m blessed and I want to create more.  The Queen adores her life and all that she has, but she also loves the act of creating.  She has desires, and she’s not ashamed of them.  She doesn’t desire more to feel a hole; she desires more because she knows she’s powerful enough to create it.

Failure is part of the process.  A Queen knows that creating a beautiful life requires risks and failure.  However, because she doesn’t let that fear stop her, she reaps beautiful rewards.  Plus, she doesn’t see it as a failure until she stops trying, and a Queen never stops trying.

I don’t need you to like me.  Throughout history, Queens have been subjected to ridicule because of their beliefs (good or bad).   When you stand for something, not everyone will agree.  And, that’s okay if you’re a Queen.

So, which are you?  I bet, if you’re like me, you have both energies.  The question then becomes:  which is leading your life?

Give that inner princess a hug, but let her know she’s no longer running the show.

A Queen also commits to more love, less fear.  The result?  Life loves her back.

Grab my free guide to inspire you to fall in love with yourself and your life.


Tons of Love,


Related Articles:

Be a Bon Vivant & spread the Joie de Vivre!
Facebook Twitter Linkedin Email

20 Responses to Are You a Princess or Queen?

  1. Great post, Tonya! I think it is all about the difference between a girl and a woman.
    When you grow up, you look at things from a different perspective. You have to work hard on yourself, but at some point of your life you realize that you won’t die after every bad experience. That’s when you gain confidence and you feel like a queen. Thank you,

    • Hi Baci,

      Yes, girl vs. woman. And growing into the latter does take a lot of hard work, but it’s oh so worth it. xoxo

  2. This is my favorite of all your posts so far, Tonya! This information is the wisdom that so many of us need either to learn or to remember. Our world is full of immature and self-absorbed people (I do not exclude myself from this, as I am open to growing and improving.) Thank you, thank you for this!

  3. Brilliant Tonya and yes I agree–growing into a Queen does take a lot of hard work but it is worth it. Merci beaucoup for being such a wonderful leader and a beautiful example of what is possible. xoxoxo

  4. “Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another stepping stone to greatness.” – Oprah Winfrey

  5. Oh my goodness! This has completely opened up my eyes! Tonya, what an insightful post, and so incredibly simple to understand and apply to life. Truly all the women I admire are strong, amazing queens and now I see where I get my inspiration from.

    I have realised that I most definitely tick the princess “boxes” but the iconic me wants to move towards those beautiful queen qualities. Instead of taking the princess approach I will wear my crown (joy!) and ask myself what a queen would do. Thank you so very very much for showing me

    • Hi Narelle! Thank you so much for commenting. The beauty is that you can step into being the Queen of your life in a moment.

      Wear that crown!

  6. A queen is not afraid to fail because she has forsight and most definitely has a plan for success no matter what the outcome.

  7. When I was getting married, it set off a lot of my mother’s fears about getting older and triggered jealousy. At one point, things became very difficult for us. I sat down with her and said with love and respect, “Mom, when a woman is getting married, she gets a lot of attention and people treat her like a princess. But her mother is the queen. People will look to you to know what to do and how to behave, and your bearing will set the tone.” No problems whatsoever after that. 🙂

    • Carisa, what a beautiful reframe, and how graceful of you to comfort you mom in such a way. Very Queenly of you m’dear! xoxo

  8. This was beautiful. A year ago I would have, unintentionally, qualified as a princess. As I was reading Queen, though, I’ve realized that all the work, prayer, and suffering over this last year is preparing me, and more of the Queen was relevant than before. That’s highly encouraging!

  9. This was perfect. Thank you for sharing this post and this reality of truth. After praying this morning, I heard the Lord tell me that I was no longer His princess, but His queen. Yesterday I had a vision of me in a beautiful wedding gown standing before Jesus. Today I heard Him say, that yesterday we were married. (I apolpogize if it seems strange to you) As I allowed the Lord to speak to me more this morning, I felt the unction to research the differenc between a princess and a queen. This is the first that I found and it is absolutley perfect. I have transitioned into maturity.

    I married the King of Kings and have become His queen. This changes everything! I now rule, alongside my King. I take up my crown and I reign. Thank you Tonya. I’d love to feature this post on my website and share it with all my friends. It’s so neccessary for us women to know who we are.

    Thank you again and I pray God’s supernatural blessings over you.

    With Love,

    Latia Ashley

    • I disagree. Not sure why it’s seen in a negative manner to be referred to as a princess. Titles are irrelevant anyway for inner soul glow. If one is intuitive they are able to see what cap or crown fits. I find it humorous to possess relevance in calling ones own being such titles. It expresses nothing of the kind of princess or queen energy. Titles are presented to another by others, not by self.

  10. Bonjour!
    I thought you would be proud to know that I used your article as a launching point for a workshop I held for 50 center city high school girls. We started by admitting we’d love to be princesses. But, then we analyzed Disney princesses (their ponytails are bigger than their waists!!) We decided that princesses want princes but queens want the whole country! We talked about self-confidence and ownership. I noticed that a lot of your princess subheads used the pronoun “me” as if they want others to make decisions for them. But, the queen descriptions were I statements.
    The girls responded well. They were very open and asked honest questions. We addressed everything from controlling boyfriends to the importance of communication.
    I hope you pat yourself on the back for being one of the resources I used during this very meaningful event!

Leave a reply