How to Create What You Want

How to Create What You want
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Think about something you want.

Anything!

Stumped?

Here are some ideas to get you started:

Maybe you want to …

Lose weight.
Make more money.
Find the love of my life.
Travel to Paris.
Get a puppy.
More space on my calendar.

It’s normal to want things.

Not that you need it from me, but I give you permission to allow yourself to want them.

There’s nothing worse than a woman not at peace with her desires.

Desires drive our existence. When it’s a true want, it’s your soul leading you towards your North Star.

How do you know if it’s a true desire?

Ask yourself if you like your reason for wanting it.

For example: if you want to lose weight to please your mother, do you like your reason?

Probably not!

If you don’t like your reason, start again until you find something you really want.

When it comes to creating results in your life, I bet there are areas where you’re confident in your abilities. For some women, they are confident with money but struggle with love. For others, it’s vice versa.

In that area that you are constantly challenged with, see which camp you fall into:

SCENARIO ONE: You take a lot of action to create what you want.

And then…

When the results don’t come so quickly, you lose your steam. You begin to think that you’ve set your sights too high. So, your positive action starts to fade. You start thinking, “Maybe next year.” Then, a year passes. And another year. And you end up feeling really disappointed in yourself because you know you’re not dumb but you just can’t seem to master yourself.

SCENARIO TWO: Fear sets in as soon as you make the decision to go for it.

And then…

You begin to visualize failure instead of success, imagining all the times you’ve tried and it didn’t work. Or, you don’t even try at all. I call this failing before you start. You focus on your past instead of your future, and these stories weigh you down into no action.

SCENARIO THREE: You’re too busy to figure out what you want.

And then …

You tell yourself that you don’t even know what you want. Everything feels so overwhelming. When in the world are you going to find the time to figure it out and actually create it? So, you resort to living each day as the day before, growing more frustrated with feeling stuck.

No matter which camp you fall into to …

Here’s the holy grail for inside-out success. Ready?

The reason why you want anything is because of the feeling you think it will give you.

Live as if your prayers have already been answered.

Don’t wait for your external world to change to start creating the emotions you’re seeking.

Unfortunately, most of us weren’t taught how to create our worlds deliberately and on purpose from the inside out.

We’re too busy trying to create it from the outside-in which rarely works, not to mention it’s exhausting.

Things and people don’t create your feelings.

And, guess what?

Weight loss can’t create feelings.
Money can’t create feelings.
Another person can’t create your feelings.
Even Paris can’t create your feelings.

Your emotions are being created from your mind — the lens through which you see your world.

Therefore, you can begin to create what you truly want NOW, not one day when …

… your bank account is full of dolla bills!
… the scale shows you a certain number.
… you’re living in that new apartment.

Really think about this.

Soak it in.

When I learned this, my entire world changed because I changed.

I stopped chasing feelings and started creating them in the life I had.

I began to spend more time creating my inner world than chasing results in my outer one.

This is the holy grail of living an insanely beautiful and awe-inspiring life.

Outward circumstances won’t permanently change the way you feel.

Isn’t it interesting that people get what they want and still don’t feel happy, powerful, confident abundant love?

I know because I was one of them.

Even when my clothing size was the smallest it had ever been, I was an insecure mess.

One of my clients came to me because she is constantly worried about money. She is worth over five million dollars.

Why does this happen?

Because external circumstances can’t change how you feel.

But, what if I told you how you feel greatly impacts your external circumstances?

They do.

Take my client, Janine, for example. She lost her husband in a car accident and was so bitter and angry at the world. She had every reason to not love her life.

But, she began to observe her mind and noticed how it was impacting her life, and as a result, she decided she was going to break free from the chains of victimhood and start living in a beautiful state no matter what!

Was she uncomfortable? Did she have doubt? Did she still experience worry and anxiety?

Absolutely!

But, by observing these thoughts, she began to shift them.

And, she fell in love with life again. She also fell in love with her now husband.

Through her imagination and breaking free from the chains of her past, she created a new future through managing her mind.

These are facts:

Without a dime entering into your bank account, you can begin to feel more abundant.
Without losing a pound, you can start to feel confident.
Without a man whispering sweet nothings in your ear, you can start to feel love.
Without visit Paris, you can start to feel ALIVE!

Create a beautiful inner world and a beautiful outer one will emerge.

Now that I know this ancient old wisdom, I spend 80% of my time cultivating my inner world (mindset and feelings), and 20% of my time taking inspired action from that place.

For almost a decade, I’ve experienced these miracles:

  • Maintaining my weight without the dieting and the emotional turmoil that plagued me before.
  • Creating more abundance by breaking free from my old “trailer park” mentality that locked me up in scarcity.
  • Having so much love in my life that it sometimes leaves me breathless.
  • Going from full-time critical care nurse to CEO.

Contrary to popular belief,

I didn’t need to move to Paris to feel a sense of beauty and elegance in my everyday life.

I didn’t need a ton of money in the bank to start feeling gratitude and abundance.

I didn’t need to be a certain size to feel incredibly sexy.

I didn’t need a company to start feeling successful on a daily basis.

So… How did this happen?

I stopped chasing “things” and started “creating feelings” instead.

As I created a new inner reality, my outer one began to change as a result.

I stopped waiting for “one day” to create what I wanted…. and started to create the feeling of having it NOW. I only received this memo of how life works about 10 years ago. But when I did, and I began to apply it with every fiber of my being, everything began to change.

If you’d told me even a decade ago that I’d be the woman I am today, I’m sure I would have given you a big ole’ eye roll.

But, when you create a miracle mindset, you’ll find them everywhere.

All it takes is learning how to live in your Sweet Spot — that state of being where your mind, heart, and actions are aligned.

Creating from a Place of Already Having It.

Here’s a story about two of my dear friends.

These were two completely separate conversations that I had over the course of one week with two girlfriends.

And, the topic? Lovelife problems.

Different problems.
Same symptom.
Same desired feeling.

One friend had been single and chasing love for years. Poor thing was a mess. She often joked that she had sold her soul every weekend to hopefully land a husband. Every bad date, rejection, unanswered calls would spin her into a story of unworthiness and fear that she’d be an old maid.

We got together, and over a glass of wine, and I asked her why she wanted a husband.

Her: “I want someone to share my life with.”

Me: “Why?

Her: “Because I don’t want to feel alone. I want to feel loved.”

My other friend had been married for over 25 years. Has a beautiful family with two grown girls. Lived in a beautiful custom home, and traveled the world. Yet, she was devastated as to how alone she felt in her marriage.

Her: “I want to feel appreciated and sexy and adored”

Me: “Why?

Her: ” I want to feel loved.”

For my single friend, I encouraged her to begin creating the feeling that she thought she’d have with a man NOW and to play around with acting as if she already had what she wanted. She agreed to not go on another date until she was able to sit with a man and feel so much love for herself at the same time.

In the meantime, she began to envision a wonderful partner in her life. She began to celebrate her marriage ahead of time. She started going out with her girlfriends more. It was fascinating to see her go from feeling desperate to feeling in love with herself and her life.

Six months later, she had a date. I got a text from her an hour before he picked her up.

Her: “Tonya, I’m nervous. I don’t want to be desperate, approval seeking or selling my soul again.”

Me: “Well, what is it that you want?”

Her: “I want to have fun and feel love.”

Me: “Then that’s who you’ll be – a fun, life loving woman.”

She just celebrated her five year anniversary with that guy.

Now, for my married friend, I offered her the exact same advice as my single friend. Just shifted it around a bit. I reminded her that it’s not her husband’s job to create her feelings; it’s hers. I encouraged her to start appreciating and loving herself, as well as appreciating and loving her husband.

And, as a friend, I also gave her a few other ideas to implement to help her spice up her relationship, some of which are probably not very appropriate to post onto my blog, if you know what I mean. *wink*

But, at the core of our conversation was her understanding that her husband can’t create her feelings of love, only she can do that.

She began to focus on what she loved about him. She started to love him no matter what. And, the man he became in that process was a partner who mirrored back to her those loving feelings and actions.

Today, their relationship is spicier than ever. And they are planning on renewing their wedding vows this summer.

Like my friends, I know that you can create what you want.

But, here’s what you must know:

To create it, you must become it.

If you want love, stop separating yourself from it.

If you want riches, stop focusing on all that’s lacking in your life.

If you want appreciation, stop withholding it from yourself and others.

If you want peace, stop being at war with yourself or picking fights with those who don’t’ agree with you.

As a mentor to women, my gift is helping you create what you want. Yes, I want to see you rocking that dress, depositing piles of money in the bank, arm in arm with that sexy man, doing work that ignites you and, of course, I’d love to see you in Paris one day.

However, the best way to create anything is to take action from the place of already having it.

Still Stuck? Reverse it!

The reason why so many women feel stuck, confused and miserable is that they are constantly trying to rearrange their circumstances without rearranging their mind.

Here are some ways I see this happening in my client’s lives:

Wanting your husband to behave differently …
… so that you can feel more love.

Trying to grow your business …
… so that you can feel more secure.

Seeking your mother’s approval …
… so that you can feel understood.

Wanting your job to be different …
… so that you can feel more creative.

Wanting your friend to call you more …
… so that you can feel appreciated.

The real secret is to take that same formula but reverse it. Create your emotions first and then the creation of the desire in our outer world is SO much easier. Crazy miracles begin to happen, because like attracts like.

But, the best part, you get to experience what you’re truly after NOW — an emotion.

It’s Tough Love from Tonya time. 

My client’s joke that I dish out the toughest love.

As a Master Life Coach, this is my job.

(And, I’m extremely thankful for the mentors who have done the same for me).

When one of my clients is stuck, I will hold a mirror up to her mind and invite her to take a look at what she’s creating.

So here is the truth:

It’s not the job of your husband, company, mother, friend or job to give you what you’re after.

In fact, those people and things can’t give you what you want, because it’s a feeling.

Stop outsourcing your emotional life to the world and commit to doing the hard but extremely rewarding inner work that creates lasting change.

Only YOU can create your feelings.

So, please don’t wait for the world to change to feel better.

You need to begin to shift your thinking NOW to feel better.

When you feel better, you take more inspired actions. These are very actions that will help you create what you desire in the outer world. And then, and only then, will you be able to create what you want.

When creating what you want feels hard. Time to Evolve!

Let’s be honest.

It’s easy to feel good when the world is behaving the way you want, right?

  • Your hubby brings you flowers, and you feel loved.
  • You step on the scale and it says, “Hey darling, you’ve lost 5 pounds,” and you rejoice.
  • Everyone tells you how great you are, and you feel appreciated.

But, what about when the world isn’t following your agenda?

Congratulations!

You’ve been handed a glorious invitation to evolve.

Here’s what I know:

If we’re looking for reasons to be fearful and worried, we’ll find them everywhere.

Equally, if we’re looking for reasons to feel gratitude, love, and joy, we’ll find those everywhere, too!

So many women will say to me,

“Well, Tonya that sounds great, but my situation is different.”

I believe that this is just an excuse to stay where you are.

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My most recent opportunity to Evolve – a personal story.

I received the big invite to “evolve” in my own life when my eighteen-year-old daughter started to experience mysterious health symptoms — joint pain, excruciating headaches, confusion, ringing in the ears, unexplained weight gain, severe breakouts, memory loss, just to name a few.

I could have fallen into this resentment, panic, worry, and fear:

Why her, God?
This shouldn’t be happening.
This was not our plan.
She’s only 18.
Why me, God?

Now, I am only human, so I’ll admit that while I’ve absolutely had fearful nights and worrisome thoughts, and I’ve spent more hours in prayer than the Pope, I haven’t spun out of control.

Why? Because I know things now that guide my everyday.

First, arguing with reality never produces great results. It weakens me and only strengthens the situation, so I trust in a bigger plan that I can’t often understand.

Second, like my client, Janine, who lost her husband, I am aware of my thoughts and consciously choose which ones pass my red velvet rope.

Third, I know from past experience that I am more effective as a mother, friend, coach and overall human being when I’m dwelling in the feelings of what I want, not resisting what I don’t want.

So, I’ve been asking myself this question:

Who do I need to be to be the best mother possible right now?

Spoiler alert:

My true answer has never been ” worried, resentful, or fearful.”
Instead, the answer has always been “loving, faithful, determined, healthy, or joyful.”

Oh yes, being a mom is the greatest gift. It has given me the opportunity on a daily basis to practice changing my mind so I can create effective emotions.

I often go to my own mom for advice (if she could handle me as a teenager, I know that can handle anything!). And on occasion, I’ve had to remind my own mother, “Your worry isn’t helping this situation.” And, I’ve had to take my own advice as a mother, too!

To live an intentional, beautiful life, you must be greater than your environment.

While we’re still not in the clear, I’ve had to see beyond my daughter’s symptoms, the test results or anything that tries to convince me that her situation is hopeless.

I believe in miracles!
I’ve trained myself to live with a miracle mindset.
Nothing is hopeless.

Did you hear me? Nothing is hopeless!

The greatest comeback stories always occur after a great setback.

Each day, I practice creating an internal state that aligns with what I desire for both her and myself.

I look for what I desire to see. I’m very mindful of the energy I allow into my sacred headspace. Only stories of healing allowed around my neck of the woods.

I also monitor my mind like it’s top national security.

Regarding my most recent situation, only these types of thoughts are allowed to pass my red velvet rope:

  • She’s getting better.
  • Her body is healing.
  • This situation is one of our greatest teachers.
  • The body is miraculous.
  • My daughter is so strong and courageous.
  • You’re a good mom.

* Note: Scary, anxiety-producing thoughts do come up for me, but I can either react or consciously choose where I focus. I strive to do the latter.

And, guess what?

These kinds of beliefs have inspired me to think creatively about how to help her heal. The perfect article pops up out of nowhere that leads to a call that provides another piece to the puzzle. I receive a message from someone who’s heard what we’re facing and connects me with a cutting-edge doctor.

I’m convinced that what we’ve accomplished health-wise, so far, with this influx of new energy and creativity, could have never been brought about if I was stuck in worry.

And while I didn’t even have this miracle on the radar screen, my daughter and I have become closer than ever before — laughing hysterically at midnight, Facetiming an inspirational video we just saw and holding each other’s hands through this journey. By practicing this way of being, I’ve become the kind of mother my daughter wants to be around, not someone she avoids because I’m worried and stressed 24-7.

What do you need to rise above?

For you, maybe it’s …

… the number in the bank account
… your husband’s behavior
… the fit of your jeans
… your Uncle Bob’s sarcastic comment

And, instead, work on feeling in proportion to your desires, and not your current reality.

Instead of thinking the same thoughts, doing the same things and feeling the same ole’ ways, you:

  • Think about all that’s abundant in your life before sitting down with your bank account.
  • Focus on what you love about your husband instead of being irritated by the petty things (Remember, choose to feel love because it feels better for YOU!)
  • Envision yourself being full of health and vitality to create a powerful feeling instead of honing in on the fit of your jeans and feeling hopeless as a result.
  • Practice seeing Uncle Bob’s behavior as a reflection of his mind, not yours and choose to love him anyway (and sometimes, you love people from afar!).

Women will say to me,

“But, Tonya that’s ignoring reality or letting people get by with bad behavior.”

So, let me be clear:

  1. To create something you’ve never had, you must become someone you’ve never been. So, to create a new reality, you must stop seeing your current one as a problem but one full of possibility. You must start thinking and feeling in new ways to create a new future.
  2. Getting angry, resentful and withholding love doesn’t punish the other person, only yourself. I believe you can create boundaries with love. The upside to this way of being: you get to feel good and let people be who they are (because they’re going to be anyway).

There will be circumstances in your life that will challenge you more than you ever wanted to be challenged, but if you’re willing to accept the invitation, they will be your greatest teacher and help you evolve into the woman you desire to be.

Want to dive deeper into this way of thinking and being?

So, tell me:

  1. What do you want?
  2. Why do you want it?
  3. How can you begin creating that feeling NOW?

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5 Responses to How to Create What You Want

  1. yes! This is the Kool-Aid, um, Champagne, and I am drinking it! I am steeping my whole self in this philosophy. Monitoring that mindset like it is national security. I think I have lived so long, too long as a textbook example of the total opposite of this. Big takeaway – trying to rearrange the circumstances instead of my mind. I have had some “miracles” push their way through my old mindset. I don’t want them to work so hard at delighting me any more. Thank you, Tonya xoxoxo

  2. Love this! While reading this I was reflecting back on moments in my life that were stressful and caused anxiety and how the outcome was entirely different based on how I reacted and where my mind chose to hang out. I have a 26 year old daughter about to be married and when I think back over the years I believe the reason we are so close today is because I made a conscious effort to be her go to for strength, calm and faith in moments when I wanted to cry, scream and question. It empowers me o feel this way and exude this mindset and control and I’ve seen it attract amazing things in my life, so now I must ask.. why it’s been so difficult for this to translate to other areas of my life which all popped up while I was reading. Needed to hear this, timing was perfect… it’s go time for a consistently new mindset!

    • Wonderful blog Tonya
      Spoke to me in so many ways.
      I have only listened to you for the last couple of weeks and I can’t imagine it getting any better but each time I listen to you it only gets better and better.
      Thank you for sharing about your personal life. I will most definitely be praying for your daughter.im signed up for next Tuesday at 5 but now just found out I will have to work. By any chance will it be recorded?
      Thanks again

  3. Please check the vitamin D level of your daughter. I´ve been diagnose with a difficency by accident, because nobody had checked my level and my symptoms weren’t very typical. Levels should be over 50 nmol/L. The symptoms of your daughter match a lot. It is just a simple bloodtest and the recovery is amazing!

  4. Honestly, Tonya I do not know how you do it? How do you always manage to send the right podcast for my mindset? This podcast is just treasure for me and I am so looking forward to the soiree, even if it will be at 1.00am in London! My mindset around that is that I will enjoy attending, snuggled in my pyjamas, sitting in my beautifully dressed bed with a little night cap of some description – possibly a little champagne? Thank you so much Tonya for what you have already helped me achieve.

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